How do you sum up 2 years worth of emotion in one entry? I am discovering that I can't, but I have to try. 2 years ago, I began my year in the best way I could think of. The first week in January, I attended Passion 05 in Nashville, and God totally rocked my world. He taught me lessons I had long forgotten and new ones that I was finally ready to hear. God showed me what it means to worship, what it means to be still in his presence and just listen for his words. God showed me what it is like to dig deeper in a relationship with him and be refreshed and satisfied. I came back from Passion on fire and ready to face anything the world had to throw at me. Or so I thought..... 11 days after I returned from Passion, I was back and school and was about to begin the first day of classes. I will never forget that day. January 14, 2005, I awoke to the ringing of my phone early in the morning. I knew it was my dad by the ring, and from the timing, I knew it couldn't be good. It wasn't. My uncle was murdered that night. My parents were calling to tell me. I had never felt more alone in the world than I did in that moment. My friends came along side me and supported me, Kyle was there and stood by my side through it all. I started to deal with the emotions bit by bit. I was angry, sad, frustrated.... so many things... more than I can put into words really. Life continued on for me. I finished out my senior year of college. I moved to Roanoke to finally start my full time ministry there and be with the people I considered and consider still my closest friends. Life was moving on, and I was too... mostly. Kyle and I became more serious and in January of last year we got engaged. Needless to say, this time of year is filled with a mass of mixed emotions for me. January 19, 2006 I chose to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. 2006 proved to be a rewarding and challenging year for me. I left people dear to me and a place so dear to me to start the next phase of my life. As I wrapped up one part of my life, the next began. A good friend once told me, "When you say yes to something, you say no to everything else." That was hard for me to learn and to put into practice. Slowly but surely I managed to learn the lessons God had for me last year. August 5, 2006 I married the Kyle Russell Drown and he made me the happiest girl in the world. Life has been good since then. We have fun. We encounter all the things that newly married couples do, but we are in it together and we can handle whatever life throws our way. It takes work. It takes time. It takes commitment, but I am grateful that we are not alone. We have each other, and we have God and that is all we need to see our way through anything that comes our way. January of 2007 brought me back to Passion, only this time it was in Atlanta. This experience was altogether different for me. I had tried to figure it out, and to be honest, I still haven't finished processing everything God did on that journey. I do know this. I was/am holding back. I didn't know why at first.... in time I came to realize that I was scared. The last time I attended Passion, God rocked my world and set a fresh fire in my soul. I was ready to go, I knew I could handle anything that came my way, and then tragedy struck. I am scared to death to let myself go to that place again. That is the truth. I am still as passionate as I ever was. I am still eager for the lessons God has for me. I guess I just figure that if I keep them to myself, I won't face that kind of tragedy anymore. I know this is irrational. It doesn't matter that I know that, it doesn't make it any less real for me. This all could be because the trial is coming up next week...... but I don't think so. It was the combination of timing. My life has been so full these last two years. For someone who had just started to deal with her emotions, God took me for a roller coaster ride, and he hasn't let me off yet. I don't know that I want to be let off, I find myself overwhelmed currently as I reflect on the last two years. I frame it that way because of Passion I think. Passion begins and closes the period for me. Some of the same lessons were learned, and some completely different. If you want to know what they are.. ask. I'll tell you. I think I have typed enough for now. I don't know if I summed up the last 2 years or not. I don't think it really matters if I did. I just had to get all of that out of my head. Try to make sense of it. Sometimes seeing the words in front of me, makes it all make sense. I do know this, I have a long road ahead of me. I am not as healed as I once thought I was. I am not alone, but some of this I have to do on my own, no matter how much those around me want to do it for me. God will continue to stretch me. He will continue to grow me. As long as I hang on to him he will see me through. This I know. God, give me the strength to face the shadows of my past and the worries of my future. Help me to trust and have courage in the face of my fears. Help me to consistently desire more of you and less of me. | 
